We Really Aren’t This. (Or Are We?)

Conservatism has become so extreme of late that it’s near-impossible for liberals to understand where the other side is even coming from.

When we packed up shop and busted out of New York for the literally greener pastures of North Carolina just shy of four years ago, we knew we’d be trading up in some areas and down in others. You don’t just leave the most decidedly “Cosmopolitan” city in the free world and assume that Southern living won’t present a few … challenges.

To our surprise, however, we quickly fell into lock step in the Triangle; the area felt young and progressive and on the verge. It felt alive with opportunity and the real estate market made our bank accounts feel flusher than they had in, basically, forever. Throw in the temperate year-round weather and the ability to buy wine and beer in Target, and we were sold quicker than a piece of Prince memorabilia on eBay.

Still, something has always felt a touch off “down here.” It’s hard to describe, something under the surface. Little things, like the first time I actually saw a Confederate flag flying proudly on a front porch. I had naively assumed that the only place you could even still see one was in an old Dukes of Hazzard rerun.

By now, of course, everyone knows all about North Carolina’s … troubles — a crescendo of homophobia that has attached itself to what should be a “nontroversial” issue of bathroom access by transgender people. The entire situation has become mucky and gross; scaring away the likes of Google and Paypal and Springsteen and Pearl Jam, each of whom has told a beleaguered Governor Pat McCrory to hop aboard the equality train or go to hell.

(Cue the Public Service Announcement which explains that racism and sexism and homophobia don’t just happen down South. After all, New York is responsible for Donald Trump — among other things — but Gothamites tend to be more etiquette-minded and private, keeping their horrible thoughts to themselves and not droning on incomprehensibly about guns and freedoms and bible verses on their Facebook mom group pages.)

Indeed, the scary thing is that it’s not just North Carolina conservatives that have gone batshit crazy. Conservatism has become so twisted in America, it’s largely impossible for a liberal or progressive to even understand the other side, let alone follow its logic or motivation.

Truthfully, conservatives ought to re-brand themselves Contradictories. And yes, I made that word up, but here are a few hypothetical (not hypothetical) statements where the term perfectly applies:

“God says life begins at conception, and all life is precious, and abortion is murder, and murder is sin.”

OK, I can kind of see your point there. If you believe that life begins at conception, it makes sense for you to be so passionate about saving lives.

But wait, aren’t you the same person who won’t think twice about arming yourself to the teeth to shoot the life out of any bird, bear, deer — or Muslim and/or brown-skinned person(!) — that looks at you funny or threatens your “freedom?” And another thing, aren’t you always telling me how government should “do less” and “stay out of people’s lives?” Seems odd to want to legislate what women do with their own bodies.

“What kind of parent would I be if I sent my daughter into a ladies room and — GASP — there was a trans MAN in there??? He’d obviously RAPE HER IMMEDIATELY, and I’d never forgive myself.”

First, let’s — for a moment — set aside the fact that there have been exactly ZERO cases of transgender women attempting to rape young girls in a public restroom (or anywhere else), but if I understand you correctly, you would prefer that your son share a restroom with a transgender man? Forgive me if the logic is confusing, but I am not sure you’ve really thought this one through.

“I’m boycotting Target! How dare they treat everyone equally and allow transgender people to use the restroom they identify with?! What about ME? What about ME and MY rights to pee in peace next to REAL, live, all-American, vagina-having women?! I will NEVER shop there again.”

Again, you can buy wine and beer at Target. Further, I hate to break the news to you, but Target and the loyalists who shop there give zero fucks if your homophobic, ignorant, hateful self never again graces their aisles.

More Threshold pillows for me. More in-store sip-as-you-shop Starbucks lattes for me. More adorbs Marimmeko mommy-and-me outfits… for ME, ME, ME. Go on with your hatin’ self.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!”

Now we’re getting somewhere. My biggest fear concerns the children, too. I am terrified of the fact that I have to send my child to school with yours. I sometimes lay awake at night worrying that my child may hear your child repeating some idiotic, irresponsible and incredibly offensive missive you delivered at the dinner table about black people, about Jewish people, about physically disabled people, about gay people, about — gasp — big, scary transgender people.

Thankfully, living down South has taught me something about using a “Good Book” to impress upon my own children certain values. As an Irish Jew (yes, we do exist), I have some rather unorthodox views about religion, so it’s not exactly “the Bible” I speak of.

I call it the Book of Being a Good Person. Copies are available upon request, but here are a few of my favorite verses:

• Love thy neighbor, thy sibling, thy peers in school, regardless of class, race, disability or religion.
• Try not to kill, hurt, bully, or generally be an asshole.
• Gender equality rules because girls ROCK.
• As women, it’s our duty to ensure that our daughters, and their daughters, and their daughters’ daughters are in control of the health, wellness, safety and destiny of their lady bits.
• Without education, we are nothing, and if we are nothing, then we might as well vote for Donald Trump.
• Family is the glue that keeps us together as a people. Family give us support, warmth and love regardless of whether we are gay, straight, pink, or polka dot.
• Tolerance is THE core American virtue. After all, freedom means freedom for EVERYONE.

So to my fellow sane North Carolinians, let us continue to do what we do; to fight to re-instate our freedoms, our equality, and our rights, and to enjoy the colorful aisles of Target in peace.

And for the less enlightened, angry among us … you’ll always have Walmart.