Things I’ve learned from the Real Housewives

Like Michael Rapaport, I too have a spiritual connection with the Real Housewives, and believe the franchise is better than anything on Comedy Central. I might even go as far as to say it’s better than most crap on TV. And over the years, I’ve learned so much from these crazy ladies. They’re like the gift that keeps on giving. It’s practically Shakespearean.

Let’s summarize all I’ve learned from the Housewives:

• Crazy is relative. Teresa Guidice wrote the book on crazy… until you meet Kelly Dodd, who’s mayor of crazytown… until you meet Shannon Beador who is next-level Girl Interrupted. The Real Housewives have a pyramid scheme business model on CRAZY. (Remember that the next time you call someone crazy for crying in the wine aisle of Target.)

• Andy Cohen is a master puppeteer angel who deserves a special place in heaven. He can breathe life into the dullest moments. I would legitimately watch anything he touches. He could premiere a show on Bravo called “Real Cinnamon of Toast Crunch” and you can bet your ass I’m watching all. Of. It.

• Husbands simply don’t belong on reality shows. They’re all lame. The whole damn franchise-worth of ’em. Just staaahhhp, Diko Sulahian. No one likes you and you look like a fool stuffing yourself into a suitcase. This is called Real Housewives, not Real Awful Husbands.

• Forget everything your mother and dermatologist told you. Always sleep in mascara and strobe cream. You must wake up like this. Highlighted brow bones are life.

• Be grateful for those friends who tell it like it is to your face and don’t wait until the talking heads interview to reveal they think you’re a bitch.

• Always assume you’re being filmed. Even if you live in bumblefuck Idaho where no one has ever even heard of a Real Housewife, always assume you’re important enough that someone’s capturing your primadonna charades at the Olive Garden. And act accordingly. (Or at the very least, have your brow bones good and highlighted for it, and really take the drama up a notch.)

• Shade. The shade! Shade will get you everywhere in Housewives land. Be strong and commit to the shade, don’t let it dangle out there like a half-assed attempt, or it will be worthless. Follow through is everything. Shade and TWIRL.

• Last but not least, nothing in life is ever so bad that you can’t rebound from it. Cases in point: Teresa Giudice, Danielle Staub, Vicki Gunvalson. Gurl get up, brush that dirt off your ill-fitting stilettos and get started on that comeback.