Really Annoying Stuff Right Now
Published in
2 min readJun 21, 2017
- When I portion out 6 of those adorable little banana pancake bites (because 6 is exactly what I’m comfortable with calorie-wise for a snack) I expect to slowly savor all six because that’s my strategy. So no, you can’t have one, and no I’m not an asshole for not sharing. If we were in a restaurant and had a massive slice of cheesecake delivered to our table, I’d share because of course I’m not eating the whole thing. But seriously, back off my bites.
- When I’m given an appointment window of noon to five, and thus sit at home waiting for the goddamn plumber to arrive, only to get a knock at the door at 5:45. You have one job. You gave me a FIVE HOUR WINDOW for arriving to complete it. But yet here we are…
- When no one in your household of four deems it necessary to let you know when a staple is empty. Like paper towels. Or milk. But they’re the first to complain to you when there’s none of it left. Um, I don’t know, because you f-ing used it all?! Let’s try “making a list,” howbowdah?
- Doctors appointments. Let me get this straight: You want to remind me in the days leading up to said appointment that I have to be there 15 minutes before my appointment time, and if I’m late I will be charged a fee (or worse, my appointment will be cancelled) but you are perfectly OK with making me wait with nothing more than a 2-year-old issue of Time magazine for over an hour because YOU’RE behind schedule.
- Pedicures that chip within a day must be punishment for something in this life. I don’t know what yet, but there’s little that makes me sadder than a chipped big toe after I spent $39 on my toes, yesterday.
- The fact that intelligence is now considered a negative trait. Take yesterday’s election outcome in Georgia. Ossoff, the fresh-faced, progressive Democrat who all Democrats around the country were rooting for, lost. Why did he lose? Because he was up against Koch Brother money, for one. And because he was running in a historically red district that had NEVER voted blue. But today, the media is focused on different reasons for why he lost. “He looked like a guy walking right out of the Upper West Side of New York.” “He wore his educational stock like a Scarlet letter.” “He had the support of Hollywood, and we all know that’s the final nail in your political coffin these days.” (Um, yeah, despite our President literally being a reality TV star. Okay.) So basically, where we’ve landed: we now have the attention span of a goldfish and the intellectual span of a panda. Wow, America. You should be so proud. Really.
