My Holiday Wish List (in case you care)

1. A Robotic Bartender. My husband, bless his heart, is good at many things. Making a cocktail is not one of them. He is basically booze-blind, which is like being color blind but instead of putting together mismatched outfits, he mixes incompatible liquids and serves it with a smile. It’s an abomination. Make it stop.
2. This cookbook. I want my 2017 to be fucking awesome. And for it to be fucking awesome, everything has to be badass. Including the recipes I use to cook my motherfucking family dinner. This also includes dessert. I’ll start with this Fuck Yeah Carrot Cake on New Year’s Day.
3. I’d like Twitter to finally figure out how to get rid of the trolls, before all of the cool kids jump ship. It’s starting to really feel dank up in there, and I don’t know about you, but nothing ruins a good day quite like being called an elitist cu*t by a Twitter egg with 4 followers. (But also, I’d like to give Twitter props for at least being the only tech company to publicly denounce ever being part of a future Trump-backed Muslim database. Looking at you, Facebook… We’re waiting.)
4. A day to go “run errands alone,” of which zero include grocery shopping, buying diapers, picking up the things I obligated myself to purchase for a 1st grade class, or restocking toothpaste for everyone under my roof. Is that too much to ask? Probably. But I’m asking anyway.
5. For both dabbing and bottle flipping to go out of style. Please. Someone . I can’t take much more of either in my house. Just wrap up the two trends and let’s bury them in the yard, right next to where we buried Hope and Dreams for our Future.
6. Speaking of hope and dreams, wouldn’t it be amazing if a UFO came down and kidnapped Pat McCrory and his cronies? All of them? Just whisked them away to the Planet PieceOShit where they can be monitored by rainbow-colored aliens for signs of life, because it’s clear they don’t have hearts. Or souls. Or brains.
7. And finally, a perfect gift this season would be the gift of education, for the general population of this country. A fact-based education that lays out TRUTHS and forces the students to acknowledge said truths as FACT in order to pass. Like, I don’t know, how about our environment is in danger, and we are partly responsible — and oh, guess what! Amazing news! We have the power to actually do something about it and save ourselves from complete and utter demise! What a great class that would be to take. Or, here’s one: Neither God, nor Jesus is going to crucify you for growing a set of balls and standing up for humanity — ALL of humanity — meaning black people, Muslims, refugees, Jews, members of the LGBTQ community, women who want control over their own lady bits. I am no expert, but I can promise that you will not be smote down or turned into salt or denied entrance into the magnificent magical gilded place you call Heaven; and if you’re so concerned that I will be smote down for believing in a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body, or that John will be smote down for preferring to dress like Jane, then what difference does it make to you? Why do you care? Let John be smote. More room in heaven for you. I’d see it as a win-win! Overcrowding sucks.

Happy holidays. May 2017 bring some semblance of hope and sanity to us all.