Don’t Sweat the Technique

You’ve seen the hashtags (#momlife) and the mugs (Mom Juice) and the memes (“TMW you realize the kids have been in bed for 30 minutes and you’ve been watching Frozen alone.”) You’ve heard the war stories. But have you ever thought about what it really takes to “mom” successfully in 2018?

Let’s ponder:

• A smartphone. This is a no-brainer. It’s your answer to nearly every parenting dilemma on the planet. Kid’s screaming for that Moana song for the 4 millionth time? YouTube. Trying to have a conversation with another adult? Phone games. Weird rash on your kids ass? Google images. Scratch that — Don’t. Ever. Google. Image. Rashes.
• Facebook Mom Groups. Speaking of rashes, this is the place you’ll hear all about them. By the time your kids are 12 you’ll basically be a pediatrician, without the hefty med school bill. Facebook Mom Groups are where it’s allllll going down. Who’s building what, where. What asshole drives too fast in the neighborhood, with a picture of his Toyota Camry and license plate so the rest of us can speed-shame him. Which urgent care center is the best with children at 3am. And it’s where you’ll become a popcorn connoisseur as you sit back and watch Bitch Sesh IRL, as moms attack each others character, religious beliefs, and tween wardrobe choices. It’s where you should go when you want to feel like the best mom. And also where you’ll probably feel like the worst one.
• Snapchat. These poor souls are having a hard time monetizing their social network, but I’ve got the solution: turn it into a parents’ social network, charge us $4.99 to download the app, and promise us a gazillion Snapchat faces a day. Done. That’s it. I can keep a 4 year old entertained with this for HOURS.
• Alexa. This babe deserves an award for keeping kids entertained since 2016. She teaches my children (“Alexa, let’s play Jeopardy.”) She entertains my children. (“Alexa, tell me a joke.”) She gives them the weather each morning, which has allowed them to get dressed by themselves because they know if it will be warm or cold. If you don’t have an Echo, or a Google dot, you’re not living your best life. Trust me. I seriously owe her my life. I love you. Marry me.
• Costco. I know where you think I’m going with this, but y’all already get that you can buy cheap wine and paper towels there so I’m not here to tell you something you already know. Nope. You know how your kids eat ALL. DAY. LONG? Like, they constantly need snacks, and you feel like you’re just feeding them bars and nuts and carrots and cheerios all goddamn day long, and cleaning up after them with their grubby hands and crumb trails? COSTCO SAMPLES are the answer. Get a cart, get yourself one of those frozen coffee drinks, walk around, let your kids try every goddamn sample in that store. Oh, you want to try this Greek yogurt? Great. Here you go. Want a coconut-fried shrimp? Knock yourself out. Cheese? Don’t mind if you do. You don’t have to prepare anything, just roll that cart around and take care of all your to-dos and what-have-yous while your kids eat the most random selection of snacks since all-you-can-eat cruise buffets were invented. No cleanup necessary. Food-baby comas in the car on the way home while you listen to 90s hip hop.
• Time to yourself. Honestly… I can’t tell you how many moms I’ve talked to at PTA meetings or soccer games and they don’t. Ever. Take. Time. For. Themselves. What the what? Listen. Turn down Real Housewives and listen to me. You deserve “you” time. You don’t have to feel guilty for it. You do you. It’s the only way — literally the only way — you’ll survive.

What’s your mom secret? How do you keep the dragons in check?